Fighting back to sanity

found on Zechs computer

Thu, 02 Nov 2006 00:25:00 GMT

All Hallow's Eve - the day when the dead roam the earth. Perhaps tonight I can find a way to free myself before I kill him.

The barrier is thinning perhaps if I push I

Nighmare

Fri, 27 Oct 2006 00:36:35 GMT

If I write this down, perhaps the images will cease to be so clear.

I am in a cave. It is night. The air is clear and it is very dry. A piece of canvas hangs across the cave to my right. Quatre and Wufei are trying to calm Yuy, who is pacing frantically. Duo is on watch near the mouth of the cave and tells them to "pipe down."

In the sudden hush, a child begins crying. Kevin, with Trowa leaning heavily on him, comes from behind the canvas. He carries a new born in his arms and there are tears running down his face. Dr. Newman arrives next, his face is pale and he leans on his husband.

"I'm sorry," is all he can say. "I'm sorry."

A sick feeling churns in my gut. I know my sister is dead.

Yuy suddenly lunges the length of the cave, grabbing Dr. Newman around the throat, he screams, "You let her die! You let her die!"

Kevin brings me the child while Quatre, Megabyte, Wufei and Duo struggle with Yuy.

I look down into its blue eyes and they begin to glow with light.

I woke bathed in a cold sweat.

I left a message for Relena at the bed and Breakfast; she and Yuy were "exploring" the proprietor said.

Easiest Way. . .

Tue, 03 Oct 2006 01:54:20 GMT

This is the easiest way to reply to all the comments from yesterday. Thank you to everyone for your concern, she appreciates the thoughts, I am sure.

Relena is recovering. When I last heard from Yuy, she has a broken right arm, a good many bruises and what is called "road rash." Fortunately, various self-defense classes taught her how to fall or it might have been worse.

She is adamant that none of "us" - that is to say, Tomorrow People visit her. According to Yuy, she believes she recognized the driver of the dark Mini that ran her off the road and is afraid her accident is being used as "bait."

I believe it is nonsense. The accident happened quickly and her imagination supplied a face.

Mon, 02 Oct 2006 02:47:15 GMT

I've never been one for journals, my thoughts are my own.

I'm posting now because there has been an accident. While biking from work, Relena was apparently struck by a car. She's currently in the hospital. Yuy is with her.

The police have witnesses that swear it was deliberately done.

If this is true, I will be looking for that person.

Fri, 22 Sep 2006 21:57:26 GMT

It works. It works! I watched him touch the letter keys and I can do it too.

Must not do it long. He tires. God forgive me, I did not mean it to be this way. I knew my Zachery would come back, I was so sure. I waited. Even though I thought I heard his voice when my body was taken away, I waited. My Zachery would return.

The pretty girl was so lonely, she drew me from my waiting. Her love came back to her, and I drew strength from their joy. And he came - the healer, the one I could speak to - but I was sucked inside and he does not remember how I begged him to find my Zachery. But he still came, my Zachery and not my Zachery and I reached out to embrace him. I did not mean to be sucked inside - now there is a barrier. It thins when he sleeps but I cannot break it. I am trapped, I am nosferatu, I am draining his life.

I do not want this. I cannot break free. I do not want my Zachery to die. Tired. He is so tired. I must stop.

Help me.

(private entry) - Letter home

Mon, 10 Oct 2005 21:03:24 GMT

Dear Luna,

I know you hate that nickname, Lucrezia, but as the odds are good that you'll never see this letter, I shan't fear retribution for using it. I miss you terribly - your smile, the touch of your hand upon my arm, the scent of your hair. You are always in my thoughts, and believe me when I say that I am searching desperately for a way to return to you.

This is a tricky business. According to Winner, our actions in this time have conspired to render our return to the time we belong in impossible. I try not to wonder at the implications of that. Have we eliminated the history that led to the wars? Have we negated the events that led to the rise of Romefeller in the first place, or even the need for the colonies to be built at all? Was the first Heero Yuy never assassinated; was Treize never given an army to command, was Sanq never felled - or did it never exist at all? What troubles me most, dearest Luna, is the thought - however fleeting - that something we did was enough to shift the sands of fate to somehow, inexplicably, keep you from being born at all. These thoughts occupy my mind now, and if I could just see your face - even from afar - I could know that you were well, and that you could begin your life anew without me. Somehow, I think, it might be easier for me to know that with some measure of certainty. But then I think that it wouldn't be easier at all; that one glimpse of you would make me crave your presence all the more.

The others have grown comfortable in this time in a way that I simply cannot manage. They are far more resilient than I, it seems, in spite of these strange new abilities some of us possess. Yes, us - I am afflicted with them as well. It seems at first blush to be some version of Newtype abilities, but more - how to put this - extreme? No...not quite. If you were here, I'm sure you could provide me with the adequate word. There is an ability to communicate telepathically, which I will say readily that I don't particularly care for. It feels too much as if there are voices in my head, and much of the time they are reprimanding me for being too mentally forthright with my emotions. To those who are - to use their word, 'gifted', although it seems a rather dubious gift to me - with these abilities, it seems to be fairly easy to sense or read the emotions of others of their own kind. Apparently, while I thought I was fairly stoic in appearance and manner, my emotional state has been 'broadcasting' - Winner's term - which is discomfiting for obvious reasons. There is also an ability to teleport oneself. A handy skill, to be sure, but one that seems to take considerable practice to master. I have been warned several times now not to be surprised if I should, while attempting to utilize this skill, suddenly find myself in the middle of an ocean. At least when learning to pilot, one is given a relatively safe area in which to practice landing.

A third skill, which appears to be unique to me, is an ability to mask what I've been told is my 'psychic signature'. I'm still not entirely sure this term hasn't been fabricated whole from the cloth just to mock me with. But if it is a true skill, then I suppose there is some irony to be found in it - all those years I spent hidden behind a mask, and now that I should like to go without it, it has made itself manifest within me.

They tell me - Winner, Barton and Maxwell, that is - that in a recent fit of frustration, I had masked myself to resemble you. As of this writing, I am still unsure if this is because you were foremost on my mind at the time, or if I had done so subconsciously - that in seeking you I naturally used you as an agent of my own protection. Irony upon ironies, is it not?

I shall end this letter here, Luna, before it becomes bogged down in melancholy. If I could reach through time to you, I would have you know that I love you, and I miss you terribly. This strange business would be much easier for me to bear if you were here to hold my hand through it. How much I depended on you, Lucrezia; how much I still need you to be my strength.

Yours.
Zechs

[Behind the Curtain] Zechs, Quatre, Kevin and Trowa (sort of) - 23 Sept., 1999

Fri, 30 Sep 2005 07:11:21 GMT

Quatre: *teleports to the ship, looks around and frowns* *wonders where Zechs is*

Kevin: *teleports in after you*

Quatre: I should have come to talk to him sooner. *sighs* [Zechs? It's Quatre.]

Kevin: *squeezes your hand* You had to be ready Cat.

Zechs: *leaning against a wall near the window, staring out* *jerks slightly and looks around* Winner?

Quatre: *shakes head* Its not an excuse, Kev. *tries again* [Zechs?]

Kevin: *hangs back to follow Cat's lead*

Quatre: *frowns* I can feel him, I think. *focuses my empathy* Kev?

Kevin: Yes?

Quatre: You feel anything? *gestures, starts walking* I think it's coming from one of the observation windows.

Zechs: *pushes off from the wall and steps to the nearest door frame, looking out with an irritated frown* Hello?

Quatre: *frown turns to a smile* Hello, Zechs. Nice to see you again.

Kevin: *nods* I feel something.

Kevin: *stands to the side but behind Cat* *smiles shyly* Hello Zechs.

Zechs: *nods* Winner. *nods again* Mr. Wilson. *eyes you both, a bit uneasily* What brings you here?

Quatre: We were worried about you. No one's really seen much of you since Russia.

Kevin: *stands quietly, letting Cat take the lead* *notices how intimidating Zechs is*

Zechs: *stiffens slightly* Ah. There's nothing to worry about. As you can see, I am in one piece. *starts to turn back to the window*

Quatre: *softly* Physically yes. Emotionally, I'm not so sure.

Zechs: *quiet sigh, closing my eyes* Duly noted. However, I don't see how my emotional health is your concern, Winner.

Kevin: *softly* Because we care Zechs. You're a TP now. One of us.

Quatre: You can't keep hiding. *knows that being blunt is proably the only way to get this through to you* That didn't work last night. It won't now.

Zechs: *turns back to face you both, my eyes and voice cold* One of you? *shakes my head* I never asked to be one of you. I need to get back, to where I belong.

Quatre: None of us asked to be Tomorrow People, Zechs. It just happened.

Kevin: *flinches* *steps back a tiny bit* You can't deny who you are. *dropes my eyes and looks at the floor* It will come out no matter what.

Quatre: *reaches out and caresses Kev empathically* Kev's right. It doesn't work. You can't run away from it forever. It's already caught up with you once, put all of us in danger.

Zechs: No offense, but you don't have the faintest idea of who I am. *shoots a quick glare at Quatre* You may not have asked for it, Winner, but you've gained - *glances at Kevin* - you've gained what I lost. If there's a way for me to get back, I'll be taking it.

Quatre: *glares back* And I nearly lost that because of your actions. What you do affects others. We can't go back, Zechs. I'm sorry about that, sorry I dragged you back here, but that's how it is now.

Kevin: *caresses Cat back* *sucks in a breath as I get a full blast of Zechs pain* Oh, I'm so sorry. *reaches out to touch Cat's shoulder to steady myself*

Kevin: *takes a deep breath and raises my shields a bit higher* *to Cat* [He's hurting so much Cat]

Kevin: *softly* You still have Relena and you put her in danger too. I don't think you want to do that.

Quatre: *to Kev* [I know, but unless we get through to him, he'll just keep hurting] *to Zechs* [You can't shut everyone out, Merquise]

Zechs: *snarls* MY actions? I didn't paint a target on my own back, and I sure as hell didn't - *points at Kevin* - keep Relena the hell out of this! - *points at Quatre* - and you, stop doing that!

Quatre: None of us painted a target on our back. Relena's involved whether you like it or not. [And no, I won't stop doing /this/]

Kevin: *fists the back of your shirt in my hand* *pain and anger rushing at me in almost overwhelming portions* *closes my eyes to steady myself* *slams my shields up* *whimpers*

Zechs: *getting angrier by the second* Goddammit, Winner, if you're going to talk to me, you can damn well do it properly!

Quatre: *puts an arm around Kev to steady him* [This is talking properly, Zechs, and I'll damn well talk to you any way I want.]

Kevin: *takes a couple of deep breaths to steady myself* [They hurt her Zechs. She needs you. Please don't push us away. Let us help you.]

Kevin: [ So you can be there for her.]

Zechs: *all but snarling now* No, talking properly involves speaking, with your voice! *glares at Kevin* She needs better than me. She always has. Don't presume to tell me what my sister needs.

Kevin: [I think she would disagree. I think if you ask her she could tell you what she needs. She misses you. I can feel it.]

Quatre: *angry* [You're a stubborn idiot, Zechs. You always have been. And I'm as sure as hell not going to let anymore people I care about suffer so that you can continue sulking.]

Zechs: *fists at my side, body completely rigid* [God DAMN it, Winner - I told you to KNOCK THAT OFF!]

Quatre: *rubs my temples* [Okay to use it when it suits though, Merquise? I'm sure everyone heard that, and I mean everyone]

Kevin: *projects calm and acceptance* Will you please talk to us if we don't use telepathy? Please? This is important.

Zechs: What the hell do you mean by that? *glances at Kevin - a hard stare* Agreed. I dislike that...buzzing in my head.

Trowa: *teleports in quietly just outside the room* *waits*

Kevin: *smiles* Thank you. *Touches Cat's arm*

Quatre: *sighs* Okay I won't telepath if you agree to listen. Deal?

Zechs: *crosses arms over chest* Agreed. Now, explain what you meant by that.

Quatre: Telepathy broadcasts, your thoughts broadcast. Other Tomorrow People can hear you if you don't shield. You were /yelling/

Kevin: *relaxes visibly* *takes a deep shuddering breath*

Zechs: *low growl* It hardly seems like an effective form of communication, then. *quiet pause* How...many are there?

Quatre: You already know all of us.

Kevin: Oh, it works very well. Once you get use to it you can project to everyone or send to just one person. You don't need a phone to reach someone across the world.

Zechs: That's it, then? There aren't more waiting to be - *waves a hand* - assimilated, as we were? *glances at Kevin* And how does anyone get used to that buzzing in their heads?

Kevin: We don't know. No one knows if they are going to be a TP until they break out.

Quatre: *glares at Zechs* We aren't assimilated, as you put it. It's not a choice, but *shakes head* it's not as bad as you make it out to sound.

Kevin: *softly* it's not bad at all. There are people who care about you and who will help.

Zechs: It's not? And how exactly do you arrive at that conclusion, Winner? Thus far, I have been incarcerated, subjected to what can be most politely described as dubious medical procedures, and separated from my fiancee, likely for the rest of my life. So far, I'd have to say this has been nothing but bad.

Quatre: *looks down at my shoes* I'm truly sorry about Noin. That wasn't because you're a Tomorrow Person though. That was my fault. You can't blame anyone else for it.

Kevin: *takes a sharp breath in as I feel your pain and moves closer to Cat* I'm sorry Zechs. I wish I could make things better.

Zechs: *crosses my arms over my chest and looks away* I wish you could, as well. But you can't.

Kevin: *looks down and studies my shoes* *thinks about how I would feel if I was separated from Cat* *repeats* I'm sorry.

Quatre: *Sighs* *softly* Sometimes you just have to deal with what life gives you and try to move forward. *looks at Zechs, pain in my eyes* If I could get to back to her, I would.

Zechs: *pinches the bridge of my nose* No, it is I who owe the two of you an apology. I'm quite certain that neither of you would have wished for...*trails off, shaking my head*

Quatre: *very quietly* No, we wouldn't. *pause* And thank you.

Kevin: *continues looking at my shoes* *wipes my eyes* You don't need to apologize. *closes my eyes trying to shut out your pain*

Quatre: *slips my hand into Kev's* *focuses to strenghten the joint empathic shielding*

Zechs: *studying the two of you carefully, frowning slightly* You can feel my emotions. Why?

Kevin: *feels the pain, anger and frustration fading* *takes a deep breath to steady myself* *looks at Cat nervously not sure what to say*

Quatre: *glances at Kev* *lookes back at Zechs* *takes a deep breath* I'm an empath. So is Kev.

Kevin: *nods* *flicks a quick look at Zechs to see if he is angry*

Zechs: And that is a...what, a manifestation of these Tomorrow People...abilities?

Quatre: It's what I've been told is an edge power. *hesitates, not sure whether I should tell you I had the ability before I broke out* Adam and Megabyte know more. Talk to them.

Kevin: Everybody can teleport and use telepathy.

Zechs: *nods* Noted. *quietly* How is Relena?

Kevin: *quietly* She seems sad

Quatre: *feels guilty that I haven't been able to face her to talk to her properly*

Kevin: We are having a birthday party for Heero and Trowa on Saturday. You ummmmmm you could come. She is going to be there.

Zechs: *quirks an eyebrow up* I didn't realize that Trowa and Heero shared a birthday.

Kevin: *smiles a little bit and looks up at you briefly* They don't. We're just combining the party.

Quatre: *shakes head* It's just the same month. But we need a celebration, and chance to spend time with our friends. *pauses* Don't you agree?

Zechs: *nods* Certainly - you should celebrate while you're young.

Quatre: *raises an eyebrow* You? Shouldn't that be we, Zechs.

Kevin: You're still young too Zechs.

Quatre: *feels Trowa in the shadows, watching* *can't help but smile*

Zechs: *snorts and shakes my head* I haven't been truly young in a long time. But...I would like to see my sister enjoying herself somewhere.

Kevin: *takes a deep breath* *looks up and meets Zechs eyes* We would be happy to have you.

Quatre: *smiles* I'm not sure any of us have been truly young for a long time either.

Kevin: *caresses Cat empathically, feeling your sadness* *to Cat* [I love you].

Quatre: *squeezes Kev's hand* *returns the caress* [Love you too.]

Zechs: *manages a small smile for Kevin* *bows slightly, looking very formal* Thank you.

Kevin: *colors bright red and smiles* You're welcome

Quatre: *slight cough* I know we haven't always been on the same side, Zechs, but we're all in this together now. We can help each other, if you'll let us.

Kevin: We'd like to do that. If umm if you want.

Zechs: I...clearly am not...*lets out a quick, harsh sigh* I am in your debt, gentlemen.

Kevin: *colors darker red and shakes my head* That's what Tomorrow people and um *looks down* friends do. They help each other. *Softly* There is no debt.

Trowa: *still out of the other's sight* *raises eyebrow* *decides that maybe Zechs doesn't need a punch in the face. Maybe*

Quatre: *nods* Kev's right. There is no debt. Whatever happened between us before, it's done. *holds out my hand in a gesture of friendship*

Zechs: *glances at Quatre and nods, taking his hand and shaking firmly* Very well, then.

Kevin: *swallows* *feels like I should hug Zechs, that he needs it but is not sure how he would react* *holds out my hand too*

Zechs: *shakes Kevin's hand as well*

Kevin: *smiles up at Zechs* I'm glad we could finally meet and I hope we will see you Saturday.

Quatre: *wonders if Trowa is going to stay in the shadows, or make himself known*

Trowa: *stays in the shadows*

Zechs: *nods* Of course. *eyes Quatre surreptitiously, wondering what keeps attracting his attention*

Kevin: *squeezes Cat's hand* *to Cat* [Trowa's here. I feel him]

Quatre: *notices Zechs watching me* *doesn't want to give Trowa away, if he wants to stay hidden, that's up to him* *clears throat* If you want to have coffee anytime, we could answer any questions you might have about the powers. At least what we can. *smiles at Kev* [I can feel him too. He likes the shadows, he's very good at hiding, even in plain sight]

Kevin: *reaches out to touch Trowa* *to Trowa* [Thank you]. You can ask Megabyte or Adam too. They would be happy to help in any way they can.

Zechs: I'll bear that in mind. I must admit I find the notion of these powers a bit off-putting.

Trowa: *touches Kevin slightly* *thinks that it would only be fair if Zechs had to deal with Adam too*

Quatre: *nods* That's understandable. I've only had them just over a year now. *softly* I wouldn't be without them now though, especially certain aspects of them.

Zechs: *raises eyebrow* You're referring to that damn buzzing in my head you were doing. I don't particularly care for that.

Quatre: It's not buzzing, it's telepathy, and you don't have to hear it all the time. You can learn to shield most of it out, only hear it when you choose to.

Kevin: *frowns and nods* *thinks about when I couldn't hear it and shudders slightly* I wouldn't want to be without it.

Trowa: *thinks of Adam saying similar words* *thinks of the wall* *smirks*

Zechs: I'd rather not hear it at all. I'm quite aware that most people think I'm a bit insane - I don't need to hear voices in my head to confirm their suspicions.

Quatre: *quietly* Not hearing it can be worse. *Shrugs* Define insanity. None of us have ever been what could be defined as 'normal'

Kevin: *tries to stifle a laugh and fails* *smiles at Zechs* But these are other people talking to you. It's like having a telephone in your head. You can pick up the phone or not and you can turn the ringer off you want. You just have to learn to control it.

Zechs: No, I suppose not. *quiet sigh* Close, but never quite there. *quirks an eyebrow at Kevin* And will the learning to control it be nearly fatal?

Quatre: *sharply* Fatal?

Kevin: *swallows a couple of times* *pushes down my memories* I survived.

Zechs: *nods* Well then, if you could do it, I shall place myself under your guidance.

Quatre: *caresses Kev empathically*

Kevin: *leans against Cat* *to Cat* *panicked* [I can't teach Zechs. I can't control my own shields]

Quatre: *slides my arms around Kev* [You can. You've helped me. Or we could do it together]

Kevin: *looks down and shuffles nervously* I ummm I'm not very good with shielding and things. Adam is much stronger than I am or Cat or Megabyte. *looks at Zechs* *eyes pleading* You should learn the right way.

Quatre: *to Kev* [There is nothing wrong with your telepathic shielding, love. Zechs isn't an empath, he doesn't need the other.]

Zechs: *studies Kevin intently for a moment and smiles slightly* Wilson, you don't give yourself enough credit. Winner is a particular man. I've never known him to befriend someone who wasn't extraordinary in some way.

Quatre: *smiles* Kevin is extraordinary, there's no doubt about that. You're right there.

Kevin: *jerks my head up* *eyes wide* I....*takes a deep breath* I can teach you.

Quatre: *quietly to Zechs* [Thank you. ]

Zechs: *nods with a small grin* Agreed.

Zechs: *flicks eyes quickly over to Quatre and gives him a small smile*

Kevin: I umm I work in the afternoons on the weekdays but school is on holiday right now. When would you like to start?

Zechs: My schedule is currently open. We can make arrangements to suit your schedule.

Kevin: Aunt Ruth always says there is no time like the present. We can start now if you would like.

Zechs: Very well.

Fighting back to sanity

*found on Zechs computer*

Nighmare

Easiest Way. . .

(private entry) - Letter home

[Behind the Curtain] Zechs, Quatre, Kevin and Trowa (sort of) - 23 Sept., 1999

found on Zechs computer